My Thoughts

I drafted this in January but saved it for a day when I would consider posting it. Talking of posting I had no intention of coming back to this space but over the weekend a friend wondered why I stopped writing after he had read several posts and seen growth in my writing. Truthfully, I needed a break. Since January last year it has been assignments after assignments. 3 more courses left now and concentration on thesis.  Lets get back to that post I talked about earlier.

I live in a country where bad outdoes the good. Where corruption and greed are the 'best' qualities you need to have to get that tender, that job, that position. What happened to the good? I was recently reading. 'The Devil and Miss Prym' by Paulo Coelho, great writer by the way . The story was about good and bad and what each can do to a society. In this particular town they were all good people until a foreigner came and asked them to commit a murder and in return they would be rewarded with 11 gold bars. 

Countless times I have questioned what the people in power have done since being elected into those positions. They have actually done a lot of good but the bad outshines the good. Our call to action as citizens is to give them the support they need. The support has been offered in many ways, for example we are taught how to be ethical and moral but the minute we step out of class, society really doesn't reflect that. You sort of give up at supporting them and get back to your assignment that should be completed by tomorrow. However, I should be keen to look at the good rather than the bad that goes on around me, for example having a church that supports your endeavors as a youth member. 

There is hope

The last time I was here, I was really stuck, I managed to unstuck myself and right now am on the third semester. The way my hours are organized, I still have a few more semesters left. In short, I have about 26 hours left.  If you look at it like that, it looks like a lot but it is not. Trust me. I have been through worse, ok, so not that bad, but at the time, it was. 

During yesterday's class, it’s on Media Relations and Crisis Communication, the lecturer was asking us what we are doing to build our profile. I mentioned I have a blog then I was taken aback that I do not visit it as often as I should. He also mentioned that one needs to do more with one's time. For example, write a book, edit copy or have articles published in the newspapers on whichever topic such as El Nino. By the way (btw), are the rains really coming? Or is no rain (drought like) still a sign or effect of El Nino? In my search, I saw this report by the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations that explains this. 

I am constantly asked, when is the graduation? People! Chill! Imagine I still don't have that IT topic or problem to work on. I got ideas for worthy ones, I have given myself a deadline to actualize on one. I cannot be in school for too long. I need to LIVE. More like not be in constant wars with my finances. Especially when I want that handbag or shoe or holiday then I remember I cannot be going around buying myself stuff and I need to finish this two-year journey. Dear Lord, please hear my prayer. In two years’ time since I began can I be done. Amen.   

I sort of have that panic attack in my mind when I hear my fellow class/sch mates saying, "Imagine am on chapter 3." "My proposal got accepted" I could go on but I may end up having that panic attack I talked about when I remember my predicament. There is hope for you so quit panicking, as it is not worth your time. My friend and I always tell ourselves that we are each on our journeys and beating ourselves up is a waste of time. Instead, we should focus our energies on what makes up happy. It is easier said than done sometimes. We are better than we were a few months ago.

I sometimes re-look at the projects I have gotten back and smile or laugh. The lecturers will put in a nice comment or a suggestion on how to better one's work and other times a sarcastic funny one such as "Were you short of books?" hehe.  There is a good elaborate reason for me being at this stage even though I cannot see or feel it now but I know it will be worth it. 

I am stuck

What did I get myself into? Gave into the pressure from myself and those around to go back to school. It seemed easy, filling forms, registering myself into the school, meeting new people and making friends. 

But since classes began, I feel like I do not know what I am doing. At the beginning, week 1 to 3. I almost packed up my bag and left to never look back but talked myself out of such a rush decision. Am required to write papers, with research in mind but I do not even have a topic to begin with. 

Gosh! who goes to school and not know what is expected of them. I do know, but I cannot seem to articulate my points or ideas to the lecturer clearly. Did my mind just forget how to be a student or what is happening? I am stuck and packing my bags and leaving is out of the question. 

Perhaps, its time I paid one of my lecturer's a visit for assistance because alone, with lots of books in front of my eyes is not working both for me and my assignments. I got back one of the papers and its funny how I had so much confidence when sending it but now my tail, I don't actually have one, is between my legs. 

What was I thinking? This isn't easy at all. My peers seem to have it all together but am not. Stuck is more like it. 

I took a break to talk to two of my new found friends. It is reassuring to talk to people who can understand what your going through. 

One of them had some really wise words. "Take one assignment at a time, one project at a time. Ensure you are succeeding in the small milestones. If you look at the big picture you will be in constant DISSONANCE. And trust me when I say your classmates don't have it together, we are all in the same boat. The first semester is the hardest. Take it one day at a time." 

Right now am sort of looking at my screen and thinking its never that serious. In this case it is serious, but I need to relax and re look at it all one step at a time, one assignment at a time, one project at a time.

Random Road Trip

It has taken me several weeks to post this. Reason being I felt that it was too soon to put it up. I needed to give myself composure or so I thought.  

Several weeks ago, I was convinced into a taking a random road trip. I quickly showered, 
got dressed in skinny jeans, a vest, a black leather jacket and blue converse shoes and off we left. Now, this random plot involved me paying for three quarters of the expenses. Hmm...the things siblings do to each other.

Halfway through the journey, hunger pangs kicked in. We stopped at Pizza Inn for dinner and 20 minutes later we were back on the road to wherever my dear brother was taking me. Two hours and thirty five minutes later we get to our destination, Crayfish Naivasha.

It was during the Mashujaa weekend and there was a pool party. Why call it a pool party when half the people attending are not in the pool? My dearest brother wouldn't miss it for the world and awesome pretty me, who would rather be in the comfort of home agreed to it. 

The night was amazing, meeting people I had only met once in my university days and making new friends. I had coolest company that night. I sort of have two left feet but that didn't stop me from dancing. Haha.

4.50 a.m. I was in serious need of sleep and brother was nowhere to be found so I figured I might as well rest my eyes in my pals ride. Like an hour or so later, drama (fight) unfolds just outside my pals ride. Sleep gone! Apparently one of the guys had lied to one of the girls baby sister and now the elder sister was screaming everywhere. Remembering that fight brings back a slight headache. 

6.00 a.m. Hometime. Now this is the where my interesting story unfolds. I search for our ride, find it but my brother has locked himself inside and is deep asleep. I knocked and knocked on the drivers window till my knuckles hurt. Three ladies noticed my struggle and helped me shake the car till he woke up. He finally woke up, looking all confused and on realizing he was not in his bed requested we leave. 

10 minutes later, we left the venue. It was my turn to drive. 

That Crayfish road is too pathetic. Spotting bumps ahead is a problem as there no road signs or markings. Can someone do something about it. There were two cars ahead of me, a Noah and a Subaru. Noah breaks, Subaru breaks instantly and I hit its bumper. In my mind it registers I hit the bump. 

I reversed slowly and drove off.  That was the not the best decision was it. Brother and I agreed to take a turning and stall for about 10 minutes just incase the car we accidentally hit follows us. I still had no doubt in my mind that I hit a bump and not a bumper. After several minutes of driving we stopped and I jumped out to inspect the car. I noticed no dent except one from several months ago. Get back in the car and we embark on our journey back home.

Imagine the horror seeing several cars parked on the road waiting for us. Two officers of the law flag me down and I have no choice but to stop. I had hit and run and pulled a movie theatrics on the road.

Five guys walk up to me, four are screaming at me. The quiet one starts taking photos and I realize his the driver. I walk up to him with brother in tow. A fight almost breaks out between him and brother. He notices a scratch on our ride but that wasn't a big deal at the time but to get ourselves out of the trouble we were in. 

After a tonne of pleas, tears and a confrontation. We come to an agreement, no charges against me and we leave in peace.

A cold chilly night and lack of sleep had distorted my mind. I couldn't even believe it was I who pulled movie theatrics and drove till home. I still haven't repaired the ride yet but I will eventually. I am grateful though that no harm befall us on that random road trip. 

Weight

What is it with people making comments mostly negatives ones about peoples weight? Is it that they themselves have weight issues and the only way to make themselves feel good is to point out how skinny or fat one has become?

Growing up food was not my friend, IT WAS THE ENEMY! Mum always says water was my daily bread as it was included in every meal I ate. It was mostly to help swallow the food that had overstayed in my mouth (kindly do not try to picture that, it is not too awesome a sight). 

In class 6 third term I insisted that I wanted to join boarding school with the only reason being "all my friends were there". Trust a girl to convince her mum into it. Class 7 and I finally joined. The food was not amazing at all. Suddenly, two slices of bread and tea for breakfast was not enough. For someone who hated food I was amazed at this too. Where had this appetite come from? I even got aka nickname "kanono." However, I did not care much about it. I had other things to think about like boys, adolescence and books. Furthermore, I still had not become too aware of cover girls in the magazines that I saw at home or at the salon. Visiting days, I could eat two plates of food so did my friends, just to compensate for the bad food we were eating. 

By the time, I was joining high school I had 'graduated' from being skinny to medium weight. Form 1 all the weight gained between class 7 and form 1 disappeared as I mostly fed on snacks. Doctors’ visits became regular due to frequent stomachaches and heartburns.  I remember one doctor saying the gastric juice and hydrochloric acid produced in the stomach was not matching the amount of food being consumed hence the regular visits. Perhaps I should revisit my Biology notes for further clarification. My school uniform even became oversize and taking it to the tailor did not help much because she did a very shoddy job at readjusting it.

Gah!!! Post high school, figure 8 took effect on me. Sema happiness galore. The weight journey has been a long one, one that I’m still sailing through.

The long and short of this post is that giving comments especially negative ones about peoples weight, could be a friend, colleague or total stranger doesn’t really do them any good. Try putting yourself in their shoes to know it has or is a journey for them and their still working through it.   

One of those days

Have you ever been in the company of your friends and realized you have been in a 'dream' for the last couple of months? Postponing stuff, more like procrastinating. Starting on a project(s) and quit halfway through. You do not really have a good explanation for quitting and the few reasons you come up with can't hold water. You therefore continue living the 'dream' and think to thyself that all shall work out.

Life seems to have stopped. It is moving and changing but all of a sudden, yours does not seem to be going through the changes or you simply do not want to notice them. Friends that used to be like sisters are no longer there. Moreover, when you try to reconnect its does not work out. What exactly is happening? Why is this 'dream' not ending? You had it all together at one point but it seems as though you are stuck in a dream that does not want to end.

You do not really know what went wrong but it feels as though not all is well. You think that someone will notice but that is not the case because those around you think you have it all held up together but that is not the case. At least individually you notice that something’s should change which is all that matters in this case.

Well, instead of being a pity party in the unending ‘dream’ you, need to get up and pick up the pieces of what and where you once were. Pick up from where you left of in your projects, be it in school, work or personal stuff. Rekindle old flames and friendships that should not die. Get a hobby, do something and let the ‘dream’ end.

20 facts about me

My friend tagged me on Instagram for the 20 facts about me. Instead of doing it there, I'll work up my list here. 

   20 facts about me

1. I love my sleep, a comfortable spot is good enough. My entire family can attest to this. I dream a lot such is when I have story ideas but hardly do I wake up to write them down.
2. I can make chapos. Round shaped ones and skinny are too mainstream but am working towards that.
3. Quite emotional. Intensity has reduced since my high school days.
4. I bite my nails when am nervous, anxious or stressed out. Its slowly fading away as I'm using nail polish too often nowadays.
5. I have very many clothes but I still say " I do not have anything to wear."
6. I love dresses. My target this month is to acquire 10 more. 2 down 8 to go.
7. I love my height. Short is beautiful.
8. I love chicken and chips.
9. Neat freak.
10. Enjoy solitude. It should not be confused with loneliness. 
11. I talk a lot. My brother seems not to like it though.
12. Team natural hair. Almost clocking one year. 
13. When I learnt how to write, I always wrote my name wrongly. Nyandu instead of Nyambura. That's my other nickname.
14. I enjoy writing and reading and thinking, more of over thinking which is not too healthy. 
15. Worn spectacles since class 7.  
16. I love chocolate. 
17. I like photography. But prefer being in front of the camera than behind it.
18. I prefer manual transmission cars to automatic ones. Only problem is balancing on a hill.
19. I am a morning person. Afternoon's are pretty slow. 
20. I laugh a lot.

photo credit @binti_pretty

Acceptance

We are never too young or too old to accept that our loved ones are gone. It may take days, months or years to accept but one eventually does. I was having a chat with a friend about the recent passing of her mum and how she has not accepted what happened. I do not blame her at all. This got me thinking about my own dad and how it took me several years to accept that he was never coming back.

I have written about him several times such as Thirteen years down the road. I did that story as a class assignment and that was what I needed to accept that he was gone.

I remember this was what happened those many years ago.

During the December holidays. 

We went to grandma's but this time round our stay took much longer than usual.

I was a very young girl.

Eight going onto nine. My brother was three going onto four. He hadn't even started school. However, he was to start in January. We had talked on end about how dad would take him.

One evening in the month of January our aunty came to grandma's, carried a few thermos flasks and helped us pack as we were going back home to prepare for school the following day.

I noticed the thermos flasks in her bag. Something deep inside told me all was not right back at home. 

But being very young. I didn't pry aunty to ask why she was carrying the thermos flasks.

When we got home, it’s not that too far off from grandma's but you have to use a matatu, I saw a tent outside and my fears were confirmed that something was not right. We got to the house, welcomed as usual by mum. I noticed that everyone around us was sad but being very young I wasn't sure why.

That evening mum together with her sisters broke the news to us, "Dad has gone to heaven," mum said. Long silence befell on all of us. I had watched enough movies and gone to a few 'maombolezis' to know what that meant.  A sharp pain cut through my heart. Ok! I don't really know I felt but I can equate it to that. 

Mum showed us the picture that was going to put up in the newspaper as well as the eulogy. I have such a good memory. I should upload that photo very soon.  That night I must have shared my bed with more than five relatives. Before they came in, I cried enough tears to fill the river near our home. We live near such wonderful features, a river and a swamp.

Dad passed on 6th January 1999. The days dragged on and we got to the burial day. I do not remember who it was but they did not allow me to see dad. Some reason about being too young. I still maintain, no one is too young to see his or her dad or mum even in the coffin. Being dead doesn't mean he stopped being dad. From that day until about a year ago, I was very bitter about it. Maybe I still am but its ok. I sometimes wish I could take back the hands of time just too see him one last time.

Life changed. We may not have seen it then but over the years, it has. It has been both good and bad. Despite all the many changes life must go on.

Taking Stock - 2

Making : Different styles with my braids. But am just too impatient.

Cooking : Dinner whenever I can. I get home really really tired. Being an assistant is not so easy sometimes. 

Drinking : More water everyday.

Reading : The Vanishing Act of Esme Lennox by Maggie O' Farrell. Its been over two weeks now. Patience my dear, patience.

Wanting : To loose weight. After stepping on the weighing scale at Dr's last week I had a "heart attack". *faints*

Looking: At my nails. Am into nail polish and nail painting them. Its not perfect yet. Oh! and the photos I took this past weekend.

Playing: Ariana Grande - Break Free ft. Zedd. Why do most YouTube videos have such negative comments?Sigh!

Wasting: No time trying out the workout videos I downloaded last week. That "heart attack" at the Dr's was enough shock.

Sewing: Still find this very funny.

Enjoying: The peace and quiet in the office. Its almost 6.30 p.m

Waiting: For some awesome news. Or a surprise. Very hopeful btw.

Liking: The fact that its a new month and it began on a Monday.

Wondering: What time I'll get home today. Still in the office and traffic updates from @ma3route is that Waiyaki Way is a parking lot.

Loving: The dress I recently got. I call it the Turn Up Dress.

Hoping: I can leave now but I have to wait a while longer.

Marveling: At how tall my brother has grown.

Needing: Two weeks leave.

Smelling: Paint from the store downstairs. Yuck!

Wearing: Purple nail polish

Following: None at the moment.

Noticing: Am usually on the internet for more than six hours.

Knowing: That I'll get home eventually.

Thinking: I need to go on holiday. My mind and body are not in-sync.

Feeling: Rather hungry.

Bookmarking: 6th September. Family get-together. I hope they actually make it this time round.

Opening: Rather closing all tabs. Its home time.

Giggling: At the comments my boss makes sometimes. She's a very funny and talented woman.

Feeling: Again! Ok. Happy that I can post this. My mind was having a bit of a mind-block.

School is too far away.

Based on my observation at the bus stop every weekday evening, these are my thoughts about what happens to a young child every school day so that he or she manages to get to school early as it is too far away.

Waking up every Monday to Friday morning at 5.00 a.m. is a struggle for me. It is too early for a young girl like me to be up at that hour. However, because school is so far away, in Westlands and we live in Gikambura, I have to wake up very early, as I do not want to be late for school like yesterday.

Every morning mum wakes me up and prepares me for school. Most times, I do not have a recollection of what is happening until I get to the door and the cold hits my soft skin and goose bumps feel my entire body.

Immediately after breakfast mum walks me to the bus stop. Dad is still asleep. She ensures I take the matatu to the next bus stop. After saying our goodbyes I get on my way as she goes back home to prepare for work. The cold hard reality hits me once again, I am

all by myself now.

Not all days are the same. Most mornings the matatu conductors such as “Mrefu” do not like seeing small children, as we are a burden to them.  They claim we are slow and pay less for fare prices as compared to the adults among many others reasons. I therefore walk up to strangers and request they assist me board the bus to Westlands. It is 6.15 a.m.

The neighbours' kids who attend the public school next to our home are not on their way yet. How I wish I were them or trade places, they do not have to wake up too early to go to school.

The journey to school is not so rosy. I stand most of the time with a heavy bag full of books on my back, as homework was a lot yesterday. I stand not out of my own choice but according to the matatu conductor, the adults have more right to sit. Talk of the world being unfair!

We finally get to the bus stop, Westlands. The morning still very cold. I pull my scarf closer to my face to shield myself from the cold. I walk slowly as my feet cannot bear the morning cold and the heavy load of books on my back.

6.30 a.m. I get to school and sit at my desk. All I want to do is sleep but I can’t, as I have to finish yesterday's homework. I was too tired to finish it last evening. All the playing, running around in school with my friends, reading and writing in class and being on the road for almost two hours leaves me very tired that I have little energy in the evening to finish my homework.  Mum and dad always try to help with the homework but my mind and body gives in. As a result, I sleep on the study table. However, dad carries me to my bed when that happens.

Evening time or hometime as we like to call it gets by so quickly. I get to the bus stop and it’s no different today. Other school kids as well as the adults are already there waiting to go home. I try to get into the first matatu but the rude conductor shoves me away. I resort to sit on the pavement with the other kids and wait for a nice conductor to come by.

One finally comes and we are on our way home. It’s now 5.30 p.m. How I wish I was the neighbours kids, not having to use public transport to get to school but walk a few meters to school.

The journey takes longer than expected, as there is a heavy traffic jam. We arrive at the bus stop, I take the next matatu to Gikambura. 6.30 p.m I find “Aunty”, I don't know her real name, waiting for me as usual at the bus stop where mum left in the morning and helps me carry my heavy bag until home.

"Aunty has prepared a very tasty snack for me. I indulge before taking my evening shower and starting on my homework.  "Aunty" helps me with it but I prefer mum and dad helping me out as they are patient and pleasant even when I get the answers wrong.

Weekends are the best, no cold mornings, unkind conductors such as “Mrefu” and no heavy load of books on my back. My friends and I are all about play and more play and snacking.

My wish is that mum and dad allow me to attend the school next door, as I am too young for all the hustling in the morning and evening to and from school. Hear my plea mum and dad. School is too far away.

Taking stock

Stumbled upon this Taking Stock on a couple of blogs and figured I should try it out as well.

Making : Chapatis every Monday night.

Cooking : Chapatis. Everyone is enjoying my new found passion. 

Drinking : A glass of iced cold water.

Reading : Anything and everything. I need to book ASAP!

Wanting : A new set of earrings and neck-pieces.

Looking: At my Instagram profile and wondering why I didn't do this earlier.Follow @maryannshawrie

Playing: Temple Run. Oh! I keep hitting my head. Ouch!

Wasting: Time staring at the screen

Sewing: Hahahaha...I can't sew to save my own life.

Enjoying: The Fuse

Waiting: For today's cup of hot chocolate. Tasty.

Liking: My new phone

Wondering: Why didn't I finish this three months ago. 

Loving: My bag today. Gifted to my brother by yours truly.

Hoping: To get off work early today.

Marveling: At how my introverted self is slowly liking her extroverted self. I am such a loner at times.

Needing: A new pair of earrings and neck-pieces. Oh and a book (s)

Smelling: Java's Coffee. Its all in the mind.

Wearing: Black.

Following: None at the moment.

Noticing: The dentist is not so bad after all.

Knowing: I have a purpose in this life.

Thinking: I should appreciate mum more often than I do.

Feeling: Its going to be a good day.

Bookmarking: Anything worth reading. 

Opening: The next tab.

Giggling: At my photos back in the day and today's pick up line*

Feeling: Hungry

Happy Birthday

Am clearing up the back log. My birthday was a one month and 19 days ago. I did this post on that day but never put it up... I wonder why. Here it is.


This day, 13th June, I am a year older, wiser and for the very first time I have someone special to share it with, a boyfriend. Previously every other I have been single. Not that its a bad thing to be. 

My wish last year was that I am not 'confused' and get married at the same age as my mum. Am now a year older and no one has yet put a ring on it. My wish did indeed come true.Now that I am a year older, I have a few things planned out.



Go back to school and get that Masters Degree, start up Mabri...we are still working on the logistics, have an upgrade at home. As mum keeps saying we now have two paychecks. Its time to upgrade that home. By upgrade I mean compound cleanup, repainting the house in and outside, start on mum's plan to build proper rental houses...That's a lot to take in. I am willing to start on one or two projects in like three or so years they will all be done. 

Your probably asking what about a wedding. That is also one of them but in a more personal level kinda way. 

My journey of life continues. Thank you God for the gift of life. 

 

                                                 The Reverend blessing me during my baptism a few days from my birth day 

All about me today

    

                                                     

 

          

Church and our talents

As a member of the PCEA Kimuri Church, are you using your talent or talents to bring good or bad to the church? Many at times we are caught complaining about how the church runs its stuff (insert what comes to mind).

Well, have you taken the time to input your financial, architectural, communication(insert your profession) knowledge to ask the necessary people, the necessary questions and offer a helping hand to the issues (stuff) mentioned above?

On Saturday, a friend posed a question to a few of us. "How are you using your talent(s) to bring service to God? I indeed was challenged. She continued to say. In our church we probably do not have the ten or five talents but we only have one. With the one talent that we have been blessed with, how have we managed it to grow into something beautiful and bright that shines light unto the world. Is there something that you used to do so well but now you have no interest in it? Maybe God took it away when He realized that you took it all for granted.

We are often caught complaining "oh! they have too many harambees, oh! they take to long to approve stuff." What have you done with your talent to change this mindset. On my part I know I can use my communication skills to improve the quality of service we receive. What can you do on your part?

Let us not be too caught up in  the complaints that we forget to use our talents to bring honour and service to the Almighty God. 

I think this is it



He is the best thing that ever happened. Fits the description tall dark and handsome. We are somewhat alike and somewhat different. Different is good, adds spice to life as salt adds flavor to food.


We met ages ago. Say hi and that was it. But after our first date we talk endlessly. Topics range from business to life to love. Well, The list is endless. When he asked me out the first time, I was beyond nervous, mind you, it was just around the neighborhood.  

To be honest I kind of like him. Kind (not wanting to make it sound too obvious). Like in the not the we are 'boys' kind of like more like the I miss you even after a few hours of seeing each other. My cousin once said to me "do not go telling boys you miss them, it gets complicated." Was he right?  

I have written so 'much' but do know whether it even makes sense to you whose reading. Does it? 
Until next time.

Am at my desk trying to work my *** off, but boy! its proving to be hard.
I am thinking of this one guy who I can say has 'stolen' my heart and mind.
I have not seen him in like two and a half weeks. Quite a short while, 17 days to be exact.
He went away to far away land to expand his horizon. 

Biggest secret ever, no one should know about it..Shhhhhh....do not even think about it.
But here I am thinking about him and writing about him.

This is crazy...Totally.
Grandma says " don't go getting confused" but here I am thinking about you and getting all confused.

Biggest secret ever, no one should know about it..Shhhhhh....do not even think about it.
But here I am thinking about him and writing about him.

I was on what I refer to as 'my spot', on a not too busy street in town.
Whenever my ride back home takes a while longer, I sit there with a bag of chips and watch the people.
One Thursday evening my ride took longer than expected. Seated at my spot, I watched as people walked on by.
People from all walks of life passed by my spot. Most were clad in official wear; dresses, skirts and trouser suits and the likes. 
I got distracted by the lady seated beside me.
She seemed cold and deep in thought.
She was clad in a black turban, a thick black and grey cotton jacket, brown, black and white flowery skirt. Black sandack (plastic, rubber like) shoes. Black seemed to be her theme colour.
Arms tightly folded on her chest, head stooped low.
Once in a while she looked up and laughed or smiled to herself.
Finally my ride came by and I had to say goodbye to 'my spot' and my distraction that evening.

 

My emotional side of life is totally complicated, confusing and somewhat twisted.
When it got this way, I don't really know but it feels as though its been that way forever.

Right now I could punch someone to feel much better.
Or maybe screaming will do, but then again it doesn't seem as though it will be of any help.

Aaaaaaaarrgh!!!|Could it all just change, the complications, the confusion and somewhat twisted.
I want to let it all out.

There is a bit of my heart that feels pain.
You know, the one where you want to reap your heart out.

Maybe I should try it out, not literally though.
Ok!I dont know what all do but the pain needs to go away like yesterday.

Whatever happened to the girl I used to know.
I should find her and all will be well.

I know! I know!
Should totally PRAY. I havent done so in a while.

I took this on Sunday. One of my best days this past few months

I need the Lord to guide my everyday steps
I seem to have lost my way.

ITS TIME TO MAKE THAT MUCH NEEDED CHANGE IN MY LIFE.