My Thoughts

I drafted this in January but saved it for a day when I would consider posting it. Talking of posting I had no intention of coming back to this space but over the weekend a friend wondered why I stopped writing after he had read several posts and seen growth in my writing. Truthfully, I needed a break. Since January last year it has been assignments after assignments. 3 more courses left now and concentration on thesis.  Lets get back to that post I talked about earlier.

I live in a country where bad outdoes the good. Where corruption and greed are the 'best' qualities you need to have to get that tender, that job, that position. What happened to the good? I was recently reading. 'The Devil and Miss Prym' by Paulo Coelho, great writer by the way . The story was about good and bad and what each can do to a society. In this particular town they were all good people until a foreigner came and asked them to commit a murder and in return they would be rewarded with 11 gold bars. 

Countless times I have questioned what the people in power have done since being elected into those positions. They have actually done a lot of good but the bad outshines the good. Our call to action as citizens is to give them the support they need. The support has been offered in many ways, for example we are taught how to be ethical and moral but the minute we step out of class, society really doesn't reflect that. You sort of give up at supporting them and get back to your assignment that should be completed by tomorrow. However, I should be keen to look at the good rather than the bad that goes on around me, for example having a church that supports your endeavors as a youth member. 

There is hope

The last time I was here, I was really stuck, I managed to unstuck myself and right now am on the third semester. The way my hours are organized, I still have a few more semesters left. In short, I have about 26 hours left.  If you look at it like that, it looks like a lot but it is not. Trust me. I have been through worse, ok, so not that bad, but at the time, it was. 

During yesterday's class, it’s on Media Relations and Crisis Communication, the lecturer was asking us what we are doing to build our profile. I mentioned I have a blog then I was taken aback that I do not visit it as often as I should. He also mentioned that one needs to do more with one's time. For example, write a book, edit copy or have articles published in the newspapers on whichever topic such as El Nino. By the way (btw), are the rains really coming? Or is no rain (drought like) still a sign or effect of El Nino? In my search, I saw this report by the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations that explains this. 

I am constantly asked, when is the graduation? People! Chill! Imagine I still don't have that IT topic or problem to work on. I got ideas for worthy ones, I have given myself a deadline to actualize on one. I cannot be in school for too long. I need to LIVE. More like not be in constant wars with my finances. Especially when I want that handbag or shoe or holiday then I remember I cannot be going around buying myself stuff and I need to finish this two-year journey. Dear Lord, please hear my prayer. In two years’ time since I began can I be done. Amen.   

I sort of have that panic attack in my mind when I hear my fellow class/sch mates saying, "Imagine am on chapter 3." "My proposal got accepted" I could go on but I may end up having that panic attack I talked about when I remember my predicament. There is hope for you so quit panicking, as it is not worth your time. My friend and I always tell ourselves that we are each on our journeys and beating ourselves up is a waste of time. Instead, we should focus our energies on what makes up happy. It is easier said than done sometimes. We are better than we were a few months ago.

I sometimes re-look at the projects I have gotten back and smile or laugh. The lecturers will put in a nice comment or a suggestion on how to better one's work and other times a sarcastic funny one such as "Were you short of books?" hehe.  There is a good elaborate reason for me being at this stage even though I cannot see or feel it now but I know it will be worth it. 

I am stuck

What did I get myself into? Gave into the pressure from myself and those around to go back to school. It seemed easy, filling forms, registering myself into the school, meeting new people and making friends. 

But since classes began, I feel like I do not know what I am doing. At the beginning, week 1 to 3. I almost packed up my bag and left to never look back but talked myself out of such a rush decision. Am required to write papers, with research in mind but I do not even have a topic to begin with. 

Gosh! who goes to school and not know what is expected of them. I do know, but I cannot seem to articulate my points or ideas to the lecturer clearly. Did my mind just forget how to be a student or what is happening? I am stuck and packing my bags and leaving is out of the question. 

Perhaps, its time I paid one of my lecturer's a visit for assistance because alone, with lots of books in front of my eyes is not working both for me and my assignments. I got back one of the papers and its funny how I had so much confidence when sending it but now my tail, I don't actually have one, is between my legs. 

What was I thinking? This isn't easy at all. My peers seem to have it all together but am not. Stuck is more like it. 

I took a break to talk to two of my new found friends. It is reassuring to talk to people who can understand what your going through. 

One of them had some really wise words. "Take one assignment at a time, one project at a time. Ensure you are succeeding in the small milestones. If you look at the big picture you will be in constant DISSONANCE. And trust me when I say your classmates don't have it together, we are all in the same boat. The first semester is the hardest. Take it one day at a time." 

Right now am sort of looking at my screen and thinking its never that serious. In this case it is serious, but I need to relax and re look at it all one step at a time, one assignment at a time, one project at a time.

Random Road Trip

It has taken me several weeks to post this. Reason being I felt that it was too soon to put it up. I needed to give myself composure or so I thought.  

Several weeks ago, I was convinced into a taking a random road trip. I quickly showered, 
got dressed in skinny jeans, a vest, a black leather jacket and blue converse shoes and off we left. Now, this random plot involved me paying for three quarters of the expenses. Hmm...the things siblings do to each other.

Halfway through the journey, hunger pangs kicked in. We stopped at Pizza Inn for dinner and 20 minutes later we were back on the road to wherever my dear brother was taking me. Two hours and thirty five minutes later we get to our destination, Crayfish Naivasha.

It was during the Mashujaa weekend and there was a pool party. Why call it a pool party when half the people attending are not in the pool? My dearest brother wouldn't miss it for the world and awesome pretty me, who would rather be in the comfort of home agreed to it. 

The night was amazing, meeting people I had only met once in my university days and making new friends. I had coolest company that night. I sort of have two left feet but that didn't stop me from dancing. Haha.

4.50 a.m. I was in serious need of sleep and brother was nowhere to be found so I figured I might as well rest my eyes in my pals ride. Like an hour or so later, drama (fight) unfolds just outside my pals ride. Sleep gone! Apparently one of the guys had lied to one of the girls baby sister and now the elder sister was screaming everywhere. Remembering that fight brings back a slight headache. 

6.00 a.m. Hometime. Now this is the where my interesting story unfolds. I search for our ride, find it but my brother has locked himself inside and is deep asleep. I knocked and knocked on the drivers window till my knuckles hurt. Three ladies noticed my struggle and helped me shake the car till he woke up. He finally woke up, looking all confused and on realizing he was not in his bed requested we leave. 

10 minutes later, we left the venue. It was my turn to drive. 

That Crayfish road is too pathetic. Spotting bumps ahead is a problem as there no road signs or markings. Can someone do something about it. There were two cars ahead of me, a Noah and a Subaru. Noah breaks, Subaru breaks instantly and I hit its bumper. In my mind it registers I hit the bump. 

I reversed slowly and drove off.  That was the not the best decision was it. Brother and I agreed to take a turning and stall for about 10 minutes just incase the car we accidentally hit follows us. I still had no doubt in my mind that I hit a bump and not a bumper. After several minutes of driving we stopped and I jumped out to inspect the car. I noticed no dent except one from several months ago. Get back in the car and we embark on our journey back home.

Imagine the horror seeing several cars parked on the road waiting for us. Two officers of the law flag me down and I have no choice but to stop. I had hit and run and pulled a movie theatrics on the road.

Five guys walk up to me, four are screaming at me. The quiet one starts taking photos and I realize his the driver. I walk up to him with brother in tow. A fight almost breaks out between him and brother. He notices a scratch on our ride but that wasn't a big deal at the time but to get ourselves out of the trouble we were in. 

After a tonne of pleas, tears and a confrontation. We come to an agreement, no charges against me and we leave in peace.

A cold chilly night and lack of sleep had distorted my mind. I couldn't even believe it was I who pulled movie theatrics and drove till home. I still haven't repaired the ride yet but I will eventually. I am grateful though that no harm befall us on that random road trip. 

Weight

What is it with people making comments mostly negatives ones about peoples weight? Is it that they themselves have weight issues and the only way to make themselves feel good is to point out how skinny or fat one has become?

Growing up food was not my friend, IT WAS THE ENEMY! Mum always says water was my daily bread as it was included in every meal I ate. It was mostly to help swallow the food that had overstayed in my mouth (kindly do not try to picture that, it is not too awesome a sight). 

In class 6 third term I insisted that I wanted to join boarding school with the only reason being "all my friends were there". Trust a girl to convince her mum into it. Class 7 and I finally joined. The food was not amazing at all. Suddenly, two slices of bread and tea for breakfast was not enough. For someone who hated food I was amazed at this too. Where had this appetite come from? I even got aka nickname "kanono." However, I did not care much about it. I had other things to think about like boys, adolescence and books. Furthermore, I still had not become too aware of cover girls in the magazines that I saw at home or at the salon. Visiting days, I could eat two plates of food so did my friends, just to compensate for the bad food we were eating. 

By the time, I was joining high school I had 'graduated' from being skinny to medium weight. Form 1 all the weight gained between class 7 and form 1 disappeared as I mostly fed on snacks. Doctors’ visits became regular due to frequent stomachaches and heartburns.  I remember one doctor saying the gastric juice and hydrochloric acid produced in the stomach was not matching the amount of food being consumed hence the regular visits. Perhaps I should revisit my Biology notes for further clarification. My school uniform even became oversize and taking it to the tailor did not help much because she did a very shoddy job at readjusting it.

Gah!!! Post high school, figure 8 took effect on me. Sema happiness galore. The weight journey has been a long one, one that I’m still sailing through.

The long and short of this post is that giving comments especially negative ones about peoples weight, could be a friend, colleague or total stranger doesn’t really do them any good. Try putting yourself in their shoes to know it has or is a journey for them and their still working through it.   

One of those days

Have you ever been in the company of your friends and realized you have been in a 'dream' for the last couple of months? Postponing stuff, more like procrastinating. Starting on a project(s) and quit halfway through. You do not really have a good explanation for quitting and the few reasons you come up with can't hold water. You therefore continue living the 'dream' and think to thyself that all shall work out.

Life seems to have stopped. It is moving and changing but all of a sudden, yours does not seem to be going through the changes or you simply do not want to notice them. Friends that used to be like sisters are no longer there. Moreover, when you try to reconnect its does not work out. What exactly is happening? Why is this 'dream' not ending? You had it all together at one point but it seems as though you are stuck in a dream that does not want to end.

You do not really know what went wrong but it feels as though not all is well. You think that someone will notice but that is not the case because those around you think you have it all held up together but that is not the case. At least individually you notice that something’s should change which is all that matters in this case.

Well, instead of being a pity party in the unending ‘dream’ you, need to get up and pick up the pieces of what and where you once were. Pick up from where you left of in your projects, be it in school, work or personal stuff. Rekindle old flames and friendships that should not die. Get a hobby, do something and let the ‘dream’ end.

20 facts about me

My friend tagged me on Instagram for the 20 facts about me. Instead of doing it there, I'll work up my list here. 

   20 facts about me

1. I love my sleep, a comfortable spot is good enough. My entire family can attest to this. I dream a lot such is when I have story ideas but hardly do I wake up to write them down.
2. I can make chapos. Round shaped ones and skinny are too mainstream but am working towards that.
3. Quite emotional. Intensity has reduced since my high school days.
4. I bite my nails when am nervous, anxious or stressed out. Its slowly fading away as I'm using nail polish too often nowadays.
5. I have very many clothes but I still say " I do not have anything to wear."
6. I love dresses. My target this month is to acquire 10 more. 2 down 8 to go.
7. I love my height. Short is beautiful.
8. I love chicken and chips.
9. Neat freak.
10. Enjoy solitude. It should not be confused with loneliness. 
11. I talk a lot. My brother seems not to like it though.
12. Team natural hair. Almost clocking one year. 
13. When I learnt how to write, I always wrote my name wrongly. Nyandu instead of Nyambura. That's my other nickname.
14. I enjoy writing and reading and thinking, more of over thinking which is not too healthy. 
15. Worn spectacles since class 7.  
16. I love chocolate. 
17. I like photography. But prefer being in front of the camera than behind it.
18. I prefer manual transmission cars to automatic ones. Only problem is balancing on a hill.
19. I am a morning person. Afternoon's are pretty slow. 
20. I laugh a lot.

photo credit @binti_pretty